To be a parent is an amazing privilege.
Parenting is a glorious gift. It’s a remarkable journey of witnessing God’s miraculous growth in another human being. It is an opportunity to join what God is doing in forming an eternal soul. The psalmist says “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord…” (Psalm 127:3).
Parenting is a real-life invitation to die to self, to develop in ways that would never have been possible had a little person not been wholly reliant on you. And science shows it’s good for us; parents tend to live longer.
To be a parent is an amazing challenge.
Yes, parenting is a glorious gift, but it is also sometimes incredibly challenging. We are not raising little clones who live life as we would, but rather human beings with their own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. As parents, we repeatedly face situations for which we do not feel prepared. We pour ourselves out for our children, only to risk their rebellion, disobedience and rejection. We long to protect them from harm, and we experience heartbreak when they suffer the consequences of their choices or the choices of others.
As Mama to three young children, I am in the thick of both the good and the hard.
Every stage of development seems to come with an exciting new skill or trait, but also with a new challenge. And let’s face it – by the end of the day, I am tired. I genuinely wish I could always be my most insightful, kindest, wisest, most energetic and playful self, but that just isn’t the case. (Please tell me I am not alone in this!)
This is where I have found scripts to be incredibly useful.
Ready-to-use words when we need them most
Scripts are collections of words or phrases that contain the messages we want to send to our children, even when we aren’t at our best. They give us the words that our calm, well-rested selves want to use in challenging situations.
Scripts can come in handy when we are too angry to be kind, too worried to be fully present, or too tired to string together intelligible thoughts. They can help us respond to difficult situations in ways that align with our values, rather than our feelings. They can help our children know what to expect, even in times of chaos or struggle.
You likely have scripts you already use in your family, things like “Gentle hands” when a toddler wants to hit, or “What do you say?” when trying to teach manners. Of course, scripts will look different across families and cultures and will vary with the age and developmental stage of your child. For example, if you say, “gentle hands” to a teenager, you will very likely get an eye roll. 🙂
Helpful phrases that can help build resilience
Every parent needs to decide what phrases work best for their family. Parents know the unique challenges and pressure points that are likely to arise with their kids and the situations that would benefit from a thoughtfully chosen response.
That said, I always find it helpful to have a starting point for developing new ideas and resources. To get you started, I’ll share some of the resilience-building scripts we’ve found valuable in our home.
But first, let’s remember that resilience is something we build one small block at a time. We don’t need to get things right every time for our children to build resilience. However, scripts can help tip the scales in your favor so that you can weave the concept of overcoming into your normal, everyday interactions with your children.
Here are some of the go-to scripts we use in our family:
After Hearing Your Child Say, “I Can’t Do It”
Instead of: “Okay, I’ll do it for you.”
Try: “You can’t do it yet.”
This script points your child to a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset. The fact that he can’t do something yet doesn’t mean he never will.
When Your Child Makes a Mistake
Instead of: “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”
Try: “Let’s try again.”
It’s easy to want to absolve our children from the uncomfortable feelings that come with making a mistake, but feeling better doesn’t make a situation better. If the child is able to try again and get it right, it will go a long way toward building good habits.
After Hurting Someone
Instead of: “Why did you do that? You know better than that.”
Try: “How can you make it right?”
Many times, a child doesn’t fully know why they did something hurtful. In truth, they don’t necessarily need to know why they did it in order to know it was wrong. However, giving them the opportunity to make it right by apologizing and asking forgiveness models what Jesus does for us in our sin.
After Conflict With You
Instead of: “Don’t worry about it- it’s not a big deal.”
Try: “There is nothing you can do or say that will make me not love you.”
Conflict is a big deal, and children feel it, too. After a time of friction, repairing the relationship by affirming your commitment to your child is a tremendously powerful way to build resilient relational bonds.
When Complaining
Instead of: “Stop complaining.”
Try: “This is a good time to remember what we are grateful for.”
Discontent can quickly become contagious. We’ve found that the “gratitude game” (simply taking turns naming things we are grateful for) can snap us out of a whiny mood quickly.
When Dealing With Challenges
Instead of: “It’s okay. Let me do this for you.”
Try: “We can do it together.”
Fighting our children’s battles for them can give them the impression that we don’t think they are capable. Coming alongside, in contrast, can offer the support they need to accomplish the task at hand.
When Experiencing Disappointment
Instead of: “It’s okay – don’t be sad” or “It’s not a big deal.”
Try: “I’m here. How can I help?”
It’s okay for our children to experience difficult feelings; in fact, it’s normal for all of us. Being available to support and asking how we can help communicates that they are not alone, without us needing to feel their feelings.
Mining Scripture for scripts
Your family’s scripts certainly don’t need to be original, and a good place to look for them can be in Scripture. Some great verses to weave into your family scripts could be:
- We are more than conquerors (Romans 8:37)
- Count it all joy when you meet trials of various kinds, (James 1:2)
- God did not give us a spirit of fear. (2 Timothy 1:7)
- Trust in the Lord with all your heart. (Proverbs 3:5)
- Nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)
- Give thanks in all circumstances. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
- Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
Timing is everything when using scripts.
Telling a child who is having a meltdown to “try again” is like adding fuel to the fire. First, we will want to help them calm their bodies and minds. On the other hand, calmly saying, “I’m here. How can I help?” could be the very thing that helps them regulate their response.
The key is timing these scripts wisely. Delivering the right words at the wrong moment may actually escalate a situation. But when spoken with patience and sensitivity, these carefully chosen phrases can become lifelines, gently guiding a child from big emotions to clarity and composure. As the parent or caregiver, it’s up to you, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to determine what to say and when.
Resilience-building beyond the scripts
At the end of the day, building resilience in our children isn’t about having all the right words at all the right times. It’s about consistently pointing them toward what’s true, even when we’re tired, overwhelmed, or unsure.
These scripts are simply tools in our parenting toolbox – ready helpers for those moments when our own words fail us. They can help us stay anchored to our values and guide our children toward growth, even in challenging times.
By intentionally weaving these resilience-building phrases into our daily conversations, we’re creating a culture in our homes that reflects our God-given ability to overcome hard things.
Whether we are drawing on scripts, nurturing attachment through shared activities, providing practical support for a child learning a new task, or humbly apologizing to a child when we’ve gotten something wrong, it all matters. Small things make a big difference as we partner with God in shaping eternal souls who know they are loved, capable and never alone in their struggles.
Keep going, fellow parent. Your words matter more than you know.
-Nicole Wilke, PhD, is a child welfare researcher, missionary, author, and marriage and family therapist dedicated to improving care for vulnerable children and families globally. She currently serves as Director of the Center on Applied Research for Vulnerable Children and Families at CAFO, bridging research and practice to improve faith-based care for vulnerable children and families around the globe.
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Learn more about building resilience
You can find more practical, data-informed practices for building resilience in Overcoming: What Scripture & Science Say About Resilience, a new book from the CAFO Research Center. Download the first chapter for free today!
