When limits feel impossible
When I talk with parents, it doesn’t take long for the topic of technology use to come up. Almost invariably, it is emotionally laden: fear, frustration, distress, discouragement or resignation show up in the conversation.
Screens may be a source of ongoing tension between parents and children, and compulsive use of phones, social media or gaming can feel too deeply ingrained to hope for change. Parents’ own near-constant device use can also contribute to a sense that the dominance of screens is inevitable.
In my experience, parents genuinely want their children to be protected from online harm. Most parents also have a sense that spending too many hours on devices and social media isn’t good for kids. And many are concerned about potential harms with AI becoming ubiquitous in daily life.
Despite these reservations, in American households, children spend an enormous amount of time on screens each day with very few restrictions.
Here are a few common barriers parents feel in translating their concern into action:
- It’s too big: Our family tech choices couldn’t make a real difference in our kids’ lives.
- It’s too late: I can’t turn the ship around, since they’re already addicted to devices.
- It’s asking too much: It would be mean to set limits when other families don’t.
In response to these barriers, I want every parent to know: it is not too big, too late or asking too much to make serious changes.
At any point, there is much to be gained by establishing and maintaining firm boundaries around screen use. These limits help a family resist the constant pull of “just a few more minutes” and begin to recover the many good things screens may have crowded out.
Still, many parents feel an additional barrier to establishing any serious screen limits in their family life:
It’s overwhelming. I don’t know where to begin.
Parents may want effective screen limits but are unclear about what the boundaries ought to be, what is reasonable and how to implement and stick to a plan when it gets hard.
That’s where a family tech rule comes into play.
Creating a family tech rule
A family tech rule is simply a written plan that helps a family move from reacting to screens as each conflict arises to intentionally shaping how technology will fit within family life.
Rather than merely trying to slow the onslaught of technology in children’s lives, it gives parents a structure for mapping out what they most desire in exchange for screens, what patterns and protections are needed, what principles will guide their rules and how each child’s readiness should shape access.
In this way, a family tech rule helps parents build a fuller response — one that supports the life, habits and relationships families need in order to flourish.
Picture the life you desire together
But if you are a parent, where do you start?
The way forward begins with a picture of the good life you desire for your family, along with an honest assessment of how devices may be getting in the way. Very often, we want to jump to making rules. And while clear guidance on technology use is vitally important for children, any hope of a life and home not dominated by devices requires more than rules.
First, you need to envision the kind of life you hope to have together as a family. That life may currently feel far from the reality of daily life in your home, but without a vision of what God might intend and how that could work out in an ordinary day or week, getting there will be nearly impossible.
What would you like day-to-day life to look like together? How would you like to spend your time, individually and together? What would it look like to grow together as a family — spending time together, enjoying each other’s company, serving and encouraging growth as individuals? What would you aspire for the hours within a day to look like in your home?
Now you can ask the question: In what ways do devices get in the way of such a life?
Yes, screen limits and protections provide vital safeguards for children and for your family. But even more foundationally, limits help create space for the activities, commitments and practices you long for as a family. A tech rule is ultimately focused on cultivating a real-world life together, in which devices are used to support that life … or put away when they undermine it.
Set limits you are willing to maintain
Next, determine what you are willing to follow through on with your children and as a whole family. Establishing a rule only to enforce it inconsistently, or giving in when it gets hard or when a child pleads for more time, works in the opposite direction of what you are working toward.
Be clear about the limits you plan to establish and be prepared to enforce them consistently, including when children push back or when it is inconvenient. Consider carefully what you are truly willing to maintain.
Children need kind and firm parental authority in order to flourish. Such authority requires understanding and consistently upholding what is best for a child’s well-being, not only now but in the long term. It is a devotion to what is farther down the road than today.
Such parental commitment is especially needed to establish and maintain sound device limits. If you struggle as a parent to consistently offer kind and firm authority, remember that this is a skill like anything else. You can practice and grow in building important limits, following through and remaining respectful.
For foster and adoptive families, this may be especially important. Children who have experienced early adversity may have added vulnerabilities related to impulse control, emotional regulation, prior exposure to harmful content or dependence on devices for comfort and escape. Consistent, warm and firm authority around screen use helps create conditions that support the long-term healing and growth of children.
Write it down and get specific
Get as specific as possible with your family tech rule. Spell out the times and places where you commit, as a family, to keeping devices out of daily life. These are times and places reserved for other things worthy of putting aside the phone, tablet or laptop.
As you plan:
- Determine what devices are needed and which ones are not.
- Keep screens and devices to the most basic level possible.
- Set up sound protections, including through the home router, individual device settings and filtering or accountability tools.
- Don’t give a child more access than he or she is ready to steward.
As you begin to write out your family tech rule, include:
- When devices are put away;
- Where devices are not used;
- Where devices charge overnight;
- What requires parent permission; and,
- What happens when limits are not respected.
Your tech rule provides vital clarity for all family members. It is a written plan built on a vision for the whole of life. It lays out the limits you are willing to consistently enforce and offers specific rules to make the boundaries clear for everyone.
Growth and transformation are possible
Few families are where they want to be with screen limits. Most of us recognize that our phones and devices intrude into daily life far more than we’d like. Still, establishing clear technology commitments as a family gives each member something to grow toward. It will not be easy, but even faltering efforts will reap rewards.
A clear plan helps screens stay in their proper place, enabling families to have room for the ordinary sources of good that support healing and flourishing.
With persistence, such commitments will bear much fruit.
– Rachel Medefind is the director of the Institute for Family-Centered Healing & Health.
Get the Free Resource: Screen Limits for Family Flourishing
For more specific guidance and practical steps, check out Screen Limits for Family Flourishing, a free resource that helps families think through these decisions and create a family tech rule of their own.
