Forgiveness is a powerful practice for human flourishing, offering profound mental, physical, spiritual and relational benefits as evidenced in both science and Scripture.
Explore specific areas of the blog using the menu below:
- Mental health benefits of forgiveness
- Responses to hurt: Suppress, ruminate or forgive
- Forgiveness and physical health
- Spiritual health benefits of forgiveness
- Restoring personal agency through forgiveness
- Defining forgiveness: Clarifying misconceptions
- Two dimensions of forgiveness: Decisional and emotional
- Forgiveness in Christian practice
- A call to action for Christian ministries
Is forgiveness overrated? A recent article in the New York Times “Well” newsletter seems to suggest so.
Understandably, the writer and others fear that inviting a person to forgive their offender could belittle their pain. “Imagine saying that to a trauma survivor!” exclaimed a therapist quoted in the article. The conclusion is that forgiveness may be good for some … but not for others.
This article reflects the widespread skepticism about forgiveness in American culture:
Isn’t it insensitive to ask someone who has experienced profound wrongdoing to forgive?
Might encouraging forgiveness take even more from someone who’s already been wronged?
Does it lay an undue burden on the victim?
For those of us who serve young people and families who’ve experienced the kinds of injuries that come from relationships gone wrong, these are deeply relevant questions.
The disciples of Jesus wrestled with the topic of forgiveness, too.
Peter wanted to know: Is forgiveness a sound idea? (Matthew 18:21) If someone repeatedly wrongs him, how often is it wise to forgive? Is seven times sufficient? At what point does forgiveness become excessive? Unjust? Harmful?
The incredible benefits of forgiveness
In recent years, considerable high-quality research on forgiveness has addressed these questions, too. Though forgiveness might not seem measurable, there is, in fact, a well-established science of forgiveness.
What does this research find? In brief, there are immense short and long-term benefits for the individual who forgives. These benefits pervade the entire person – mind, body, spirit and relationships.
What kinds of victims can access these benefits? This may be the most remarkable finding of all: virtually anyone.
Many of these studies involve individuals who’ve experienced significant abuse or wrongdoing, including those who come from deeply dysfunctional, high-conflict homes, inpatients struggling with addictions, parents of difficult adoption journeys, and even incest and war survivors. Study after study finds that forgiveness is of great value for very complex and entrenched situations as well as more ordinary hurts that every human experiences.
Additionally, as with most things, research indicates that the more a person practices forgiveness, the more benefits they receive from the process of forgiving.
Mental health benefits of forgiveness
Compelling evidence indicates that forgiveness is so powerful that it may have a causal effect on mental health outcomes.
Forgiveness is associated with lower levels of depression and anxiety, reduced substance abuse, and higher life satisfaction. While much of the research uses cross-sectional designs, which cannot show causation, increasingly, stronger designs provide powerful evidence that forgiveness gives rise to these profound health benefits.
This is especially clear for psychological outcomes. For example, a large longitudinal study of around 6,000 young adults found that – after controlling for baseline health, including existing mental health problems – those who reported forgiving more had lower levels of anxiety and depression and greater levels of happiness, well-being and life satisfaction at three and even six years later.
Numerous randomized controlled trials – considered the gold standard in scientific research – have used forgiveness as an intervention, indicating that forgiveness is highly effective in reducing anxiety and depression and increasing hopefulness.
A recent and impressive randomized controlled trial studying the benefits of forgiveness included 4,500 participants in five high-conflict countries. This study strengthened the evidence for the tremendous mental health benefits of forgiveness, which improves well–being and increases levels of purpose and hope in life.
Children and adolescents who struggle with anger and unforgiveness because of relational wrongdoing find significant relief from anger through forgiveness interventions. In a meta-analysis of 20 such studies, the authors concluded that adolescents and children appear to benefit significantly from being taught about forgiveness – what it is, its value, and concrete steps for how to do it.
Dealing with the hurt: The choice to suppress, ruminate or forgive
When someone has been wronged, they face a limited number of mental choices for dealing with the hurt: suppress, ruminate or forgive.
A person can suppress the pain. However, very often, it just doesn’t work. Not only does resentment commonly re-emerge down the road, but it also has trouble staying suppressed in day-to-day life.
Rumination is the only other primary response apart from forgiving. It involves repetitive negative thoughts about what occurred. In ruminating, a sense of being wronged dominates. The causes and effects of events are evaluated over and over again in the mind, often with a worsening sense of injustice, hurt and anger as thoughts progress. In this case, the wound only deepens as bitterness and revengeful thoughts preside.
It is very common – we’ve all done it – and it is very harmful. Rumination is a key problem undermining individual resilience. In fact, chronic mental health problems almost always involve negative rumination. Anger, depressive and anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, psychosis, personality disorder, and several psychosomatic disorders all appear to be powerfully fueled especially by rumination.
Rumination sustains resentment. It deals with the hurts that come from being wronged by keeping the wrongdoing ever in view.
Forgiveness, on the other hand, eases the heavy psychological weight carried because of mistreatment. It provides an alternative to burdensome responses to being wronged – suppression and rumination – that so often persist or become only heavier as time passes.
Physical health benefits of forgiveness
Unforgiveness harms long-term physical health. Health professionals observe that resentment and anger place a heavy burden on the physical body, activating and sustaining a stress response. Chronic stress impacts blood pressure, heart rate and immune health and increases the risk of chronic diseases like diabetes and heart disease. Anger and hostility are linked to a pronounced risk of heart disease.
As a person forgives, they tend to experience an unburdening as they let go of resentment and anger. Such an unburdening has a calming effect and can help normalize the stress response. Many of the physical health benefits cascade further from there.
Forgiveness is associated with greater overall physical health and lower mortality. Higher levels of forgiveness are related to better cardiovascular health, including lower blood pressure and less risk of heart attack. Forgiveness is also connected to better immune and sexual function, improved gastrointestinal health, lower levels of the hormone cortisol, and reduced pain. Forgiving improves sleep. The list goes on.
Spiritual health benefits of forgiveness
For Christians, forgiveness and spiritual health are inseparable. As the old prayer goes: “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.”
Forgiveness brings many benefits that enable human flourishing. In the Christian faith, these are natural fruits that flow from what forgiveness is itself: a profound expression of love.
Throughout the Bible, God’s character is revealed as long-suffering and forgiving. Jesus, God’s own Son, provides the ultimate example of forgiveness, forgiving his murderers even as he was being slain: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” It is God’s nature to forgive.
Scripture repeatedly invites those who stray to seek God’s forgiveness. Though prone to not acknowledging it, deep down, we all need forgiveness. Restoration – of our relationship with God and others – is dependent upon the merciful act of forgiveness.
In turn, the invitation is given to forgive others. Jesus taught us to forgive and love enemies with this rationale: God is generous not only to the deserving but also to the offender. “Be merciful as your Heavenly Father is merciful.” Followers of Christ are called to offer mercy in the same way God offers mercy to us.
The Christian framework appears to make forgiveness more accessible. Evidence suggests that, when motivated by faith, forgiveness is associated with even greater well-being and less distress. Also, forgiveness intervention studies suggest that Christians may experience twice as much benefit when their Christian commitments are incorporated into the learning experience.
Relational health benefits of forgiveness
Forgiveness is a profound act, yet its essential steps can be taught. Remarkably, simple workbooks – even ones that can be completed in a few hours – can help a person struggling to forgive to actually achieve forgiveness. This, in turn, can open the door for the possibility of relational restoration – though this is not always possible or appropriate.
A large randomized controlled trial conducted in five high-conflict countries involved people with a wide range of relational experiences, from college students to war survivors. Because of conflict, some families in the study couldn’t even sit down for meals together. Participants were assigned to either complete the forgiveness workbook immediately or to receive it after some delay. Those who studied the forgiveness workbook experienced substantial improvements in forgiveness, along with many mental health benefits. This echoes prior research, showing that forgiveness decreases hostility in relationships.
Finally, forgiveness improves one’s relationship to oneself. When someone has experienced significant injustice, it often negatively impacts their own personal growth, making them feel vulnerable or even useless. In place of powerlessness, forgiveness restores a sense of agency as the giver of forgiveness chooses to offer it. By facing the pain of another’s wrongdoing and being willing to offer goodwill in return by forgiving, a person discovers new possibilities. By this act, they find they are capable of good when encountering evil rather than being overcome.
Defining forgiveness: Clarifying misconceptions
Though research is clear that forgiveness is a source of much public good – for the individual, for families and for communities – many are understandably concerned about the appropriateness of forgiveness at times. In cases of significant abuse or neglect, for instance, isn’t it unwise or dangerous to pursue forgiveness? Does the act of forgiveness justify the wrongdoer, or does it require forgetting?
In order to understand what forgiveness is, it’s helpful to think about what it isn’t.
Forgiveness usually doesn’t mean forgetting. One effect of forgiveness is that hurtful memories may not grip in the same way. Sometimes, the strength of the memories diminishes as the dominance they have held in our lives also diminishes, and this is a great relief. But forgiveness is not the same as forgetting.
Forgiveness does not justify the wrongdoer or mean not pursuing justice. It does not shrink the offense or overlook it. Forgiveness brings forward the wrongdoing, dealing with it as it actually is. A just outcome can be pursued while forgiving. In fact, wanting good for the wrongdoer may include court systems upholding justice and enacting fair sentencing. A person who has caused great harm needs to understand the pain they’ve caused – and the consequences – in order to grow.
Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. A restored relationship may never be possible because the perpetrator has died, the offender is unwilling, or it may be dangerous or unwise. Unlike reconciliation, forgiveness does not require two people. Forgiveness opens the door to the possibility of reconciliation down the road but can also occur without any restoration.
Two forms of forgiveness: decisional and emotional
Tyler Vanderweele, director of Harvard’s Human Flourishing Program, defines forgiveness as “replacing ill will toward the offender with goodwill.” It is exchanging a desire for harmful things to come to the offender with a desire that they receive what would be truly good for them.
It can be helpful to consider forgiveness as taking two forms.
The first form is decisional forgiveness. Decisional forgiveness means letting go of the intention to retaliate or attack. It involves making a decision about how to treat someone who’s harmed or offended me in the future. Until the present moment, the desire has been to have them suffer but now the decision is made to release the intention to pay back.
Decisional forgiveness usually comes first. A decision is made to forgive, and this can occur even if feelings of forgiveness are not present.
The second form of forgiveness is emotional forgiveness. Emotional forgiveness means changing one’s emotions. It means beginning to experience different feelings for the person: instead of coldness, a little empathy; instead of bitterness, some compassion; instead of hatred, kindness.
This usually takes more time. Anger and resentment slowly become less dominant. Still, negative emotions come back from time to time, and a lot in the beginning. Here again, the decision to forgive – that doesn’t require an emotional change but the commitment not to retaliate – serves as a reminder that forgiveness has indeed been given. Emotions come with time.
Negative feelings don’t negate the decision to forgive.
Distinguishing between decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness helps someone who wants to forgive but is struggling to do so to still take action. There’s no need to wait until feelings come in order to forgive. In fact, it’s unlikely that feelings will come first.
This helps us understand how it is possible to obey Scripture’s commands to forgive others. If forgiveness is mainly an emotional change, then perhaps it is impossible. Though we have some control over our emotions, they are hard to direct. But if it can be a decision – committing to letting go of ill will in exchange for goodwill – then forgiveness is indeed a real possibility.
The choice can be made regardless of emotions.
Forgiveness: An age-old intervention of the people of God
Matthew 18 may be Scripture’s definitive text on childhood trauma. It speaks about a child’s preciousness and vulnerability and reveals just how seriously God deals with those who ignore or even exploit their role in protecting and nurturing those children entrusted to their care. The remainder of the chapter deals with the problem of being sinned against – and what to do with it. The juxtaposition is not incidental.
The Scripture condemns wrongs done to children in the strongest possible terms.
Yet it also helps us see that unforgiveness is the source of immense suffering, most especially for the one harboring it. It absorbs and narrows a life and increasingly demands that all things be organized around anger, avoidance, bitterness or fear.
Ruminating on or suppressing past wounds is burdensome and impacts the ability to love well in the present. Popular wisdom suggests that, in that case, significant history-digging work must be done. In this approach, the past is the focus and may require repeated sorting through its stories…at length. Very often, this job becomes heavy, entirely reliant on human effort in a project that can feel relentless.
The Christian vision of forgiveness involves addressing the past. But it differs sharply from the heavy requirement of sorting out one’s own story in order to be effective in the present. Instead, it moves in the opposite direction. Forgiveness decisively looks at the past – clearly seeing the wrongs – and decides to release the burden of those wrongs. The act of forgiveness thus enables a forward-looking face into a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11)
The scriptural call to forgive is an age-old intervention. Jesus offered this intervention as a means of restoration, most especially for the individual.
He knew that forgiveness is indispensable for those harmed by abuse, neglect and impoverished relationships.
The ideal dosage Jesus prescribed is daily, and participation in the intervention comes in the form of a difficult but simple decision: to receive and give forgiveness where it is needed that day. “Give us this day our daily bread. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” (Matthew 6:12)
In this sense, forgiveness might be best thought of as a practice or habit. This is probably what Jesus was communicating when he responded to Peter’s question about whether it is reasonable to forgive repeatedly. Jesus suggested forgiving the same person seventy times more than Peter’s generous proposal of seven times.
By the time a person gets through that many rounds of forgiving, they have established a way of life. And that is exactly what Jesus intends.
Ultimately, forgiveness is an invitation into a life of receiving and giving forgiveness, day by day.
A primary remedy for evil’s destructive impact is relational practices that we learn day by day together – how to forgive and, when possible, how to restore. For humans to heal from the devastating wounds of human relationships – which so often come from those God intended to be our most tender and ongoing source of good – forgiveness is essential.
The past few decades have seen considerable growth in our scientific understanding of forgiveness’s healing power. This powerfully confirms truths God’s people have affirmed for 2,000 years. Though practiced imperfectly, Christians uphold forgiveness in obedience to their Savior’s command and living example. However, we think much less about the profound benefits we receive in doing so.
A call to action for Christian ministries
The CAFO Family Institute is committed to helping organizations and ministries promote healing, health and growth for the individuals and families they serve by providing resources grounded in excellent research and age-old Christian practice.
Given the overwhelming evidence for forgiveness’s medicinal nature, Christian ministry leaders would do well to assess existing programs that care for those who’ve been significantly wronged. In addition to other interventions, forgiveness offers a vital pathway of care for children and families. Programs can offer simple, powerful guidance about forgiveness, its benefits, and how to do it.
The next post in this two-part series on forgiveness will provide step-by-step guidance for how to forgive and suggest practical ideas for individuals and families to consider if they desire to make forgiveness a way of life.
–Rachel Medefind is the Director of the Institute for Family-Centered Healing and Health. Learn more at cafo.org/family-institute.
