“Forgiveness is…the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.”- Henri Nouwen
Recent research confirms that forgiveness is powerfully good for us as human beings. It is good for the mind, body, spirit and relationships. Jesus guides us toward forgiveness as a way of life.
Whatever the beginning point – if we hope to live a life of love and flourishing – we need to learn to forgive. When we’ve been wronged, there’s no other way back into love than forgiveness.
But what if doing it feels nearly impossible?
Though forgiveness is difficult, unforgiveness is even more burdensome.
The good news is that, for those who would like to forgive but are struggling to do so, there are practical, research-based models of forgiveness that provide step-by-step guidance to begin to forgive. Whether for the seemingly unforgivable or the petty snub, use these simple steps over and over to forgive
The heart of forgiveness: Understanding the process
Forgiveness is something we can grow into, a habit we can cultivate in ourselves and teach our children.
Two well-researched forgiveness models, Enright’s Process Model and Worthington’s REACH Model, have proven to be effective in a variety of difficult situations. As highlighted in the first article of this series, these models have been successful for individuals who have experienced significant abuse and relational pain.
Dr. Everett Worthington’s REACH model provides a clear pathway to forgiveness – one that can be applied to specific hurts and revisited as needed.
The REACH Model: Five steps toward forgiveness
The following five steps are something anyone can learn and practice, and they’re also an excellent way for families to teach their kids about forgiveness.
1. Recall the hurt.
The first step in forgiveness is recognizing that we have been hurt. This is crucial because we cannot forgive what we have not acknowledged. It is important to take time to reflect on what happened and the impact it had on us.
2. Empathize with the offender.
Empathy is key to moving beyond anger and resentment. This step involves understanding the hurtful action from the perspective of the person who caused it. It’s not excusing their behavior but rather seeking to understand their motivations or struggles.
3. Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a gift we offer freely. It can be withheld or given. And it’s not dependent on whether the offender apologizes or not. We can extend it as a gift regardless of the other person’s actions. Remarkably, as we forgive, we realize that forgiveness benefits us as much as it benefits the other person. In releasing the bitterness and anger, we discover that we, too, receive a gift.
4. Commit to forgiveness.
This step involves making a decision to commit to forgiving. It’s letting go of devotion to resentment or the intention to seek revenge going forward. Forgiveness cannot be forced. Attempting to do so will likely only pressure into an insincere expression of forgiveness. We can still extend the invitation to others to consider this decision or commit to setting a time to think about forgiving.
5. Hold onto forgiveness.
Emotional forgiveness takes time. We might still be very committed to the good of the offender, but the emotions might take time to heal. Often, the emotions associated with the offense resurface. But each time these feelings arise, we can remind ourselves that we have already forgiven. The feelings don’t change that. We can hold on to the forgiveness we already gave.
There’s a free forgiveness workbook online that takes just a few hours to complete. While some people might find they need extra support or a group setting, recent studies show the workbook is widely effective. The REACH Forgiveness Workbook is a powerful tool for anyone who wants to forgive but is finding it hard to get there on their own.
Practicing forgiveness in our homes
Children face tender hurts. These may be ordinary pains caused by a harsh word from a parent, an unkindness from a sibling, or a sense of rejection from friends. Very often, young people who’ve entered the foster care system or been adopted carry much deeper hurts. Even at a young age, unforgiveness becomes a heavy burden.
There may be no more profound practice we can teach our children than forgiveness.
Like any character trait, forgiveness requires time and effort to develop. It’s not something that can be mastered overnight, but as we practice it, we grow better at it. In fact, in order to love well, we must first learn to forgive—because it’s the gateway back into a life of love when we’ve been hurt. This is why it is so valuable to form a disposition to forgive in childhood or as a young adult.
Small moments, big impact
The best place to learn to forgive is in everyday interactions. We don’t need to wait for big, complex hurts to be healed before teaching forgiveness in ordinary matters. Little hurts can be places of training.
Here are four ways that parents can help strengthen the muscle of forgiveness in their children.
Address small hurts
A rude comment, a disagreement, or a fleeting moment of frustration are all opportunities to practice forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be grand – it can start with small, everyday conflicts.
Give them time
When your child is angry or hurt, don’t overly rush them toward resolution. This may only force a false “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you.” On the other hand, ignoring their emotion is not the solution. Instead, we can provide children with space to give attention to the relationship they are struggling with and invite them to move toward forgiveness as a means of restoration.
Teach children the futility of vindictive behaviors
When a child feels wronged, it is natural to want to “get even” or “pay it back.” But we need to help them see that manipulation, hurtful actions or words, or snubbing others only perpetuates pain.
Scheme for kindness
Give them the chance to think about a scheme of kindness. For example, if a sibling has hurt them, ask, “What could we do to surprise them with kindness?” In this way, bit by bit, we teach our children how to overcome evil with good. This gives them the chance to feel the freedom and joy of blessing another – the powerful positive impact they can have in another’s life.
Learning to forgive in small matters is no small thing. It is hard and ongoing work. Yet those little moments of reconciliation – facilitated by a parent, very often through sacrifice of their own time – are precious spiritual victories. They are of great worth and prepare for a life of forgiveness.
Daily practices to foster forgiveness
The foundation of forgiveness is not built only in moments of conflict but through practices that embed this virtue into the fabric of daily life.
Praying the Lord’s Prayer
Consider praying the Lord’s Prayer together at the start of the day. This gives an opportunity each day to ask God to “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
Reflect at night together
Guide your children to think about who they might need to forgive before they go to sleep. Invite them to reflect on their day and forgive any hurts they may have encountered. Ask together for God’s forgiveness and invite God to heal and restore each family member’s heart during the night. This nightly practice allows them to rest unburdened by unforgiveness.
Guard against overscheduling
Don’t underestimate the role of rest in the activity of forgiveness. Sleep, time for reflection, and not feeling the need to continually hurry are critical ingredients for a home atmosphere that can constructively cultivate forgiveness. When children—and adults—are overtired and rushed, the work of forgiving becomes much, much harder, and the probable cause for hurt rises. If you want to cultivate forgiveness in the home, consider prioritizing sleep and making plans for a less hurried schedule.
Addressing bigger hurts
Deeper relational pains often mark the experience of foster and adoptive families. Children who were profoundly wronged often wrong others in turn, especially their own family. The latent value of forgiveness in foster and adoptive homes is immense. Though difficult, the opportunity to experience forgiveness and all of its incredible gifts – for parents and children – is unrivaled.
Even here, Jesus offers His intervention of simple and daily practice in forgiveness. If desired, families can follow the five steps outlined above or go through the Reach REACH forgiveness workbook. Parents can also talk with their children about the incredible benefits of forgiveness, discussing how good it is for us.
The key is to begin to establish forgiveness as a way of life together.
Redemptive remembering
As families practice forgiveness, one of the most profound fruits of this work is the ability to remember with a new perspective. It’s like learning to see the past anew with God’s active involvement. Over time, God’s good-working amidst evil intent becomes more and more visible and the domination of evil in our memories diminishes.
This is what Lewis Smedes calls “redemptive remembering” – the ability to look at a painful experience and see the hand of God at work in it, even when the hurt was real.
The life of Joseph in the Old Testament is a remarkable example of redemptive remembering. He chooses to forgive his brothers for selling him into slavery. As he did so, Joseph came to understand that what was meant for evil against him, God meant for good (Genesis 50:20). Joseph could have held on to bitterness, but instead, by forgiving, he encountered the deeper and truer reality that lay beneath his pain and loss – God’s tender presence and powerful action. Parents can pray with their children to learn to remember redemptively about their own story, inviting God to teach them how.
A testimony of forgiveness
Our daughter Eden expresses that this redemptive remembering has become deeply meaningful in her own life:
“As an infant, I was abandoned at a rough bus station in rural Ethiopia – left in a basket to be found by a kind stranger. As I grew, the circumstances of my birth caused my heart to fill with bitterness. But, over time, I determined that I wanted to forgive.
For a season, I committed to praying a blessing each day upon my biological family. I prayed that God’s goodness would enter their lives even though I may never know them personally.
This commitment – a difficult decision to make at the time – played a significant role in coming to feel deeply that God’s hand was upon my life from the very beginning. Though I was abandoned, I was not forsaken. Someone found me and made sure I was cared for. Beyond that, I believe that God had intentions for my life long before I was born, and He continues to work out His plans for me today. This redemptive remembering has transformed my heart.“
Over a year ago, we visited Sodo, Ethiopia, where Eden was found. Her heart swelled with love for the people there, and she continues to pray for them. Despite the pain of her early life, Eden sees God’s loving action in her story, and this has empowered her to bless those who were a source of pain.
The community of forgivers
Forgiveness is hard. Still, for every powerful testimony of forgiveness I hear, I wonder: What if those who invited the one who forgave to forgive had not done so? What if others had determined it was too much to ask or that maybe it would just come of its own accord?
The invitation to forgive may be rejected. It may even be a cause of offense. And it should never be done lightly. But, for each of us, it is, nonetheless, an invitation we all need. Every person deserves to be invited into a life of love and forgiveness – amidst a community of others who forgive and need forgiveness.
Henri Nouwen describes the aspiration of the Christian family – to forgive and continue to forgive: “Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour increasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.”
May we grow – each of us – as practicers of forgiveness. And, in doing so, may we receive the lavish benefits God so graciously gives as we choose, with simple sincerity, to forgive those who sin against us.
-Rachel Medefind is the Director of the CAFO Institute for Family-Centered Healing & Health.
