Summary: A committed marriage — even when imperfect — offers immense gifts to husband and wife. It is also a vital contribution to the healing and health of children who have experienced serious adversity. Marriage is a foundational good, and the research connecting marital health with child well-being shows it is also a gift to children. While children’s struggles can strain a marriage, churches, ministries and organizations can help families keep marriage central as part of supporting children’s healing and flourishing.
- Marriage as a foundational good
- Why marriage health especially matters to foster and adoptive families
- When a child’s struggle strains a marriage
- When marriage struggles strain parenting
- How churches and organizations can help foster and adoptive parents’ marriages thrive
Marriage as a foundational good
Marriage is the most foundational and enduring institution of humankind.
It was God’s idea from the beginning. Marriage is not merely a private romantic arrangement between two adults. It is a covenantal union of love that forms a foundation for family life, for the raising of children and for the transmission of love, stability and faith from one generation to the next.
Well-done research points in this same direction. Marriage can cultivate and sustain health and flourishing for those who are married, as well as for their children. Evidence suggests that marriage is associated with better physical and mental health, a stronger sense of well-being and purpose in life and closer social relationships.
No marriage does this perfectly. Most marriages experience conflict, strain and the ordinary selfishness woven into even the healthiest human relationships. At times, marriage can become a source of anguish and difficulty. But the benefits that can come through the security of marital vows are significant: ongoing friendship and support, the joy of intimacy, the warmth of being faithfully loved, encouragement toward healthy behaviors, and care for one another in times of need.
God’s ways are not without their benefits.
Marriage as a gift to children
Though other factors certainly contribute and no outcomes can be guaranteed, faithfulness and devotion in marriage tend to powerfully contribute to flourishing outcomes for children. A strong marriage helps transmit well-being, hopefulness and vibrant faith to the next generation.
High-quality research shows that children raised by married parents are, on average, more likely to experience better mental and physical health, stronger relationships with their parents, greater happiness in childhood and later life, and lower rates of delinquent behavior. They are also less likely to later divorce themselves.
For children, some of these benefits may come from having married parents who experience satisfaction and security in their marriage. Children feel the love their parents have for one another. They also receive love that often flows outward from the parents’ own devotion to each other.
A flawed but faithful marriage can become one picture of what children may be able to expect from life and relationships in the future. Despite conflict and difficult problems in a marriage, for children to see that parents can persist when it is hard, seek to grow as individuals and within marriage, and offer and receive forgiveness is a powerful parental gift.
Their own relationships will, undoubtedly, include conflict, wrongdoing and difficult challenges. But seeing firsthand that relational difficulty can be worked through, and that patience and kindness can be cultivated in place of frustration and hostility, offers a hopeful prospect for their own lives.
Not a guarantee, but a substantive benefit
These findings do not mean every child of divorce will struggle, or that every child in a two-parent family will thrive. Single parents can be a profound source of good in a child’s life and can be powerfully supported in their work by their church and community. However, research suggests that the presence of both parents in a committed, reasonably healthy marriage is a significant benefit for children.
It’s also essential to acknowledge that there are times when infidelity and abuse might mean that a marriage may never experience restoration. A dangerous or destructive marriage can require protection, intervention or outside help. Sometimes separation or divorce is necessary. Still, in general, the breakdown of marriage is strongly associated with worse mental health outcomes for children.
Why marriage health matters for foster and adoptive families
For foster and adoptive families, this becomes especially important. Children exposed to higher numbers of adverse childhood experiences are much more likely to have experienced family instability and the absence of married parents. It is reasonable to assume that gains a child experiences once adopted into a family are, in part, connected to the stability, commitment and daily presence often provided by an imperfect but committed marriage.
And for children in foster care, even a temporary experience of a home marked by marital faithfulness can offer a meaningful picture of family love and stability. A child who has been welcomed into a home where marital commitment is upheld will forever possess the experience of that part of family love and the possibility of one day experiencing it for themselves.
Another important consideration for foster and adoptive families is that healthy marriages support better relationships with their children. As parents seek to cultivate deeper connection with their fostered or adopted children, efforts to strengthen the marriage itself may arguably be one of the most appropriate places to direct their attention.
A recent study from the Institute for Family Studies and Gallup, drawing on data from 6,643 parents and 1,580 adolescents, found that “the single strongest predictor of child-parent relationship quality is parent-partner relationship quality.” Parents with stronger couple relationships were also more likely to use best-practice parenting strategies.
Again, there are no guarantees. But for children who have already experienced serious loss or adversity, the ordinary benefits of a steady marriage may be especially powerful.
When a child’s struggle strains the marriage
Foster and adoptive families often face unique challenges and ongoing stressors. Those stressors can put incredible strain on a marriage. My husband, Jedd, and I have seen this firsthand in many ways — through friends, families we have walked alongside, extended family and, at times, in our own marriage.
Some of the most difficult conflicts between spouses come through the ongoing struggles of their children. Parents are both exhausted. The turmoil may become all-consuming. Time together gets pushed aside to address urgent situations. Amid the entrenched difficulties, husband and wife may feel distant from one another and too worn out to rekindle affection.
Differences in how to respond to a child’s challenges can amplify the strain. One may want to be more lenient; the other may believe firmness is vital. One leans toward stepping in to help; the other fears enabling unhealthy behavior. One wants to hold the line; the other worries it may push the child too far.
Often, both parents are seeing something important, but the situation is complex enough that there is no obvious path forward.
When these conflicts linger over time, they can harden into set patterns. Resentment creeps in. One spouse may begin to withdraw emotionally or physically. Little relational habits that energize and sustain a loving marital relationship deteriorate: holding hands, laughing together, sexual intimacy and shared prayer. The phone may become a means of escape and then further contribute to distraction and marital dissatisfaction. Together, these things communicate that the spouse and their union together are not of great worth in practice.
And then the strain begins to move in both directions.
When marriage struggles strain parenting
A child’s struggle can strain the marriage, but a strained marriage can also make the child’s struggle harder to respond to wisely. Parents may become less unified, less consistent, less emotionally available and less able to offer the love and support their child needs. The home may feel more tense and less secure. Parenting decisions become more reactive.
What may have begun as a child’s crisis can become a marriage crisis.
Here is the simple reality: if we consistently neglect our marriages because of the pressing needs of our children, we will almost undoubtedly do so at great cost — for ourselves and our spouses, but at real cost to our children, too.
Keeping marriage central is one way to love children well
For families wrestling with the complexities of parenting within foster care and adoption, prioritizing marriage may feel like an inaccessible luxury. Yet a healthy marriage is not an add-on; it is a source of great good for children.
Efforts to make marriage central can be considered a critical intervention for children. It will require highly practical changes that might include earlier bedtimes for kids, fewer outside commitments, tech-free evenings or a few minutes to pray together before the day begins. Simply committing to small pockets of time together across the week — not for the purpose of managing life, but for enjoying each other’s company — can play a role in re-establishing the centrality of marriage.
Prioritizing marriage is not neglecting a child, even one with great needs. Restoring marriage may feel counterintuitive when a child is struggling. It may feel as though every ounce of time and energy should go toward the most urgent need in the home. But making marriage central is not a distraction from a child’s needs. It is part of investing in their enduring well-being.
How churches and organizations can help foster and adoptive parents’ marriages thrive
Churches, ministries and organizations seeking to effectively walk alongside foster and adoptive families may want to give greater attention to marriages. Supporting the marriage is a vital way of supporting the child, and churches and ministries can do this by:
1. Helping families attend church regularly.
Regular church attendance is associated with significantly lower divorce rates, and church involvement can also surround couples with wise teaching, friendship, accountability, prayer and practical support.
Churches and ministries can seek to understand and address the barriers that may keep a family from participating regularly — whether child behavior challenges, overloaded schedules, exhaustion, shame or struggles in faith. They can also help make participation more feasible by welcoming families with patience, helping children feel loved, providing respite or practical help where appropriate, and creating opportunities for parents and children to both receive and give love within the community.
2. Cultivating strong relationships and pathways for growth.
The support and community of a healthy church can help couples grow in forgiveness, gratitude and kindness, each of which contributes significantly to better relationships and well-being. Within the church, older couples, pastors, mentors and ministry leaders can help couples remember that the health of the marriage is worth continuing to invest in, and they can offer practical ideas for doing so.
3. Helping couples find appropriate, evidence-based support.
When marriages are under significant strain, churches and organizations can also help couples find appropriate, evidence-based support — including skilled marriage counseling, marriage intensives, mentoring or programs that help couples reduce destructive conflict, strengthen communication and rebuild trust.
Marriage, healing and human flourishing
Research and Scripture clearly communicate that keeping marriage central is one of the most important ways parents can love their children and support healing and ultimately flourishing in their homes. Fighting for a strong marriage is a profound gift to a child. It may be one of the greatest gifts we can offer.
– Rachel Medefind is the director of the Institute for Family-Centered Healing & Health.
For more content like this, please subscribe to the Institute’s monthly email list here.
